CrossFit day one in which I get my ass kicked

 

In December I signed up for a 6-week challenge at a local Cross Fit; last week they measured, weighed and took pictures in anticipation of today–the start of the actual workouts.  Let’s back up a few weeks, this is a special challenge for people over 50–almost surely a marketing gimmick but you had to apply and go through a phone interview before they accepted you.  Restated I wouldn’t be at all shocked or disillusioned if the primary criteria turned out to be whether or not your credit card cleared.  I didn’t really care, I knew my upper body strength wasn’t what it should be and that while getting up off the floor isn’t a problem I execute that maneuver with all the grace and style of a Holstein with a full udder.  CrossFit has a reputation for being brutally difficult and I certainly didn’t want to end up in WORSE shape than I started but they assured me that I would come out of this with my shoulder no worse than it was at the start. Besides, now that I’m a pensioner in addition to being a consummate introvert I need things to get me out of the house and interacting with humans in real time.

Back in November when I packed to come south for the winter I packed hiking clothes, not gym clothes so, thank you Amazon Prime, I got some gym capris and a high impact sports bra.  I don’t mind having obvious secondary sexual characteristics but I don’t want them banging me in the chin when I’m working out!  I only had a couple of oversized t-shirts with me but thanks to an evening program at PARI I acquired a Total Eclipse t that I assure my fellow over 50 CrossFitters I will be laundering but it’s now my workout shirt.

So today, appropriately dressed and full of apprehension I showed up and to my relief I wasn’t the oldest or fattest.  First thing was walking across the room with raising one knee to your chest for a few seconds each step. Turns out I have such rotten balance it’s astounding that I’m able to walk upright.  I was better at the goose step and marginally better at the leaning forward.  Basically, I made a wise decision not to pursue a career in figure skating.  I didn’t actually fall but I’m pretty sure that hushed discussion was about the merits of hiding my keys and bringing in a breathalyzer. 

We went on to swinging our arms.  Yup I can do that–at least on my left.  With my trashed right shoulder that was more like me imitating a T-Rex trying to pass the salt.

That’s the point where we split up into the groups that have limitations and those who don’t.  Yes, I’m limited–my shoulder starts to slide out of joint if I even sleep in the wrong position. Rowing machines, no problem.  Air chairs, no problem.  I really do have strong legs.  Pushups–that acrid smell you just sensed is the stench of rubber meeting the road.  They had us doing a modified thing standing and using a bench press bar.  Whew.  If they’d had me to a real pushup there’s no doubt my nose would still be against the mat.  Ring rows–when I looked at the rings well, initially I was terrified, the last time I did something like that I tore the living crap out of my rotator cuff and dislocated my shoulder.  Happily this was something I could do just fine.  Well, just fine the first few times.  So we did sets with ring rows followed by lunges.  My legs are pretty strong but I don’t mind telling you that the last few ring rows were pretty slow.

That’s the set up, now we get into the WOD (workout of the day).  This was as many sets of 5 burpees, 10 jumps and 15 situps we can get through in 12 minutes.  Dear friends, without a doubt I am thoroughly burpee impaired.  Burpees require all the skills I don’t have–earlier I compared my ability to get up off the floor with a Holstein.  I was flattering myself, bull walrus is more like it and every rep was more humiliating than the one before.  Then there’s the jumps–I stood in front of the weight they were using as a step and did the wussy step up things instead.  Though I will suggest them give me a taller thing to step on, that really was too easy.  Situps, okay, not my favorite but I can do it.  I got through 6 full sets and a titch into the next set and I assure you it was those twice-cursed burpees that held me back.  I’m hoping that none of those show up as a youtube video and if it does I want a percentage because it will go viral and eventually result in #schadenfreude.

The final part of the class was being told that we’d be sore and that we should come back anyway.   I expect both to be true.